Clearly, from the calls and the blog posts, many of us have been rocked by the ‘other conditions’ of cancer. These ‘conditions’ not only touch the patient, but the care-giver is in the bullseye too. Granted the ‘conditions’ are different than what the patient feels, but they are just as powerful and need attention too.
Speaking from experience, depression from the pure sadness of the ups and downs in the fight, hit the caregiver just as hard. But the feeling of inadequacy comes to mind. ” Why can’t I fix this for my loved one? ” Helplessness, lack of control, and if cancer takes that precious life, as the caregiver, you question yourself…”Did I do enough?” And of course there’s always the “How did this happen to us?” which brings us full circle to the sadness and living with the loss.
These are not scientific issues. These ‘conditions’ can not be resolved in the lab. They are the human condition that comes with living in cancer world. But beleive me, they are just as important as the science of cancer.
We have hundreds of reports released about cancer every year, filled with data on surviving the disease, dying from the disease, being diagnosed with the disease. What about all of us who are carrying around the baggage of the disease? It’s real and if you ask me, it’s an epidemic.
Look into my eyes…a caregivers eyes….that’s where cancer leaves it’s permanent scar.
April 3, 2011 @ 3:01 am
Kathie – I, too, know your story and have not a single doubt that you did everything right the first time. It’s easy to second-guess now what we did or didn’t do during those caregiving years – I do it, too – but it won’t bring our men back to us and it won’t help us to heal. As Ned said, “What really mattered-mattered.”
March 31, 2011 @ 1:19 pm
From the perspective of cancer patient, as tough as our journey is I have to say that I think it is harder in many ways for the caregiver.
For those of you second guessing yourselves as caregivers try not to go there. I suspect that your SOs felt as I do…..grateful beyond words to those who were there for me.
March 25, 2011 @ 8:20 pm
Laurie you are so right about the scars left on the caregiver. I have such tremendous guilt because I feel like there was something I didn’t push hard enough for. Did I explore all the opportunities for medical treatments, did I questiong the doctor enough, did I spend quality time with Jim or did I just “take care” of him? I don’t know. I just know I would like to have a do over and see if I could get it right.
March 26, 2011 @ 12:25 am
You are not alone Kathie. The questions can keep you up at night.-Did I show her I had the strength to accept our plight? Should I have paid more attention to the initial warning signs of disease? Did I give her space and privacy when she needed it? Did i worry too much about our finances? Why was I so tired ? why did I let all my determination and energy fade toward the end? Did she know I was at her side- could she hear me-could she feel me?
Kathie- I’m not sure about a lot of things, but I know your story and I have no doubt that you knitted a fine cocoon of care. Even if we were given the chance to re-live those traumatic days-mistakes would occur. Our imperfections were accepted and understood. What really mattered-mattered.