How do we get our old lives back after we’ve been to Cancer World?
It’s a question that came up the other day and I’m not sure about the answer. It came from a cancer patient, some one who had gone through the cancer gates, lived the ordeal of difficult treatments, and has come out the other side. He was wondering how he could get back to being “himself” again. He wanted to know if it’s possible to find that old life. He called it the “good old days.”
Are those days gone forever? Can you ever go back?
Speaking from a caregiver’s corner and the fact that cancer took the love of my life, I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I did B.C. . My world shifted permanently. That’s not to say that I try every day to find a little piece of normal again. The smiles and the laughs are a little more measured than they used to be, but at least I’m trying.
Other caregivers who had better luck with their loved ones and find themselves back to daily tasks that don’t include all those trips to the doctor and to treatments, say some of the old habits do return. They also say the fear of the cancer coming back is always on their mind. Once the beast finds a way in, it’s never too far away.
So I guess it just depends on the individual. Some can’t wait to shake the cancer stigma while others wear the scars as a reminder of courage and stamina.
And just maybe, the lessons we all learned from our cancer experiences created a ‘new normal.’
We can see clearly now…right?
A
May 14, 2011 @ 11:09 am
My youngest daughter just wrote an essay on this topic. She was in 8th grade when I was diagnosed. Here is some of her essay:
“While most thirteen year olds worked on their homework or spent afternoons going shopping, I prayed to God that the disease that had taken my friend, Kailyn, five months earlier wouldn’t take my mother…. The experience of watching someone I love deal with a life threatening illness for over a year has impacted who I am and the decisions I make more than anything else…. I’ll never forget the night my mom told me she was diagnosed with stage III cancer. I was terrified. Cancer is a beast and I didn’t know if my mom could beat it. You only get one mother – what if I lose mine?…. The experiences I went through didn’t have just a negative affect on me. I am now strong emotionally, optimistic, and very caring. I realized what’s important in my life at a young age, and matured so much from it. One of the most important things I learned is how to handle obstacles. I believe that obstacles are challenges, not road blocks. I realize that challenges make me a stronger person and I use that strength to handle whatever the future holds….Because of my experience I am very independent. At age 15, I got a job as a receptionist at my church, and I use m earnings to buy my own clothes and pay for the expenses of being a teenager. In college I want to become a therapist or an oncology nurse. What I have been through has made me a better person. Days that could’ve been spent fighting or worrying about what I don’t have were spent being grateful for the wonderful things I have…. The Beast took part of my childhood away. People sometimes ask me if I would take all the struggles out of my life, if I had the chance. If I could take back time and make my mom 100% healthy, of course I would, but the experiences I went through made me who I am today. I would never change that.”
May 15, 2011 @ 9:45 am
Mully….. What a beautiful testimonial from your daughter. It is evident that she is a very mature, intelligent and loving person from her writing. What a refreshing outlook from one of our young. I know you are very proud of her, and well you should be. I can see how proud she is of YOU!! You are truly blessed.
May 14, 2011 @ 10:32 am
Al…. I can so relate to what you are saying. You are a brave man who is still fighting a brave fight like so many of our cancer patients and their caregivers. The key issue I believe is when you say that you “accepted the grace of God”. I think that has so much to say about a positive attitude which in itself is so healing and strengthening. It isn’t the easiest attitude to preserve but it gives back so much more than the effort it takes to sustain it.
When so much was happening with us over the past five years in cancer world…and being a member of this forum where you see so much suffering and so much courage, I sometimes thought “how can God allow this”. One day it just came to me that “God” does not allow this….this is LIFE. Good things happen and bad things happen…to ALL of us, in one form or another. We don’t usually need help in accepting the good things….but in the bad things, I do believe, it is God who helps us through it. And it becomes much easier when we can retain a sense of thankfulness for His help than when we give in to our grief.
Kathie, I understand your feelings and your pain. It is never easy to lose a loved one, particularly when they have had so much pain and worry in their lives. And it all affects YOU as well. I don’t believe that you ever go back to who you were BC, but that’s because you are not the same person any more. So much more has happened in your life, so many experiences, pain, misfortune….and success, courage, perseverance and hope. It changes you forever; hopefully we come out as better persons in the long run. I think you have been progressing as you were meant to. We are all different and we all recover differently…patient and caregiver. I hope the day will come when you will feel beyond the grief and pain and begin to recover your peace of mind again.
Laurie…thank you. “stigma”…..yes..that’s the word I was looking for in my reply to today’s post; cancer was definitely seen as a “stigma” in the past and people tried to hide it, refused to discuss it and often failed to seek help.
“How do we get our old lives back?” I do agree that cancer (as so many other diseases and events) does change us forever. Al and Kathie both spoke to this well. I had another thought about this though, as I was reading your post. When you are in the middle of the treatment(s), full of worry and with little hope, it sometimes seems as though things could never be all right again. I know my husband had so many bad side effects that he was sure that even if he was cured, he would never have the “good old days” back again; that they were lost forever. His chemo treatment affected him so much (went from 180 to 125 lbs, had no sense of taste except that everything tasted awful, peripheral neuropathy, absolutely no energy and very little hope, etc., etc., etc.) that Easter week of 2010 he asked the oncologist to stop his treatment, at least for a while, because although he knew it was helping the cancer, he felt as though it was going to kill him. The doctor agreed, even though the cancer was still visible on his scans.
To make a long story short, he got his taste back, has been eating well and is now 183 lbs. He has regained most of his energy and strength and is feeling absolutely wonderful. He says that these last 13 months have been some of the best in his life. His tumor markers have been rising but all of his scans have been clear except for the most recent one. They see a small spot on his lung. Because he is feeling so well and they are not sure of the spot, we have all decided to wait for the results of his next scan which is scheduled for next month, before resuming treatment again. He hates the idea of having to go back on treatment, but he is prepared to do so. He has hope now, that not only is it possible that he might live longer, but that it is possible to get the “old days” back again, when it is over. Will he ever be the same again (or will I)? No….but in some ways we are better than we were, just as in some ways we are not. We are not blind to the possibilities that death may be the outcome, but that comes to all of us at one time or another. We are trying to focus on the life that we have and trust that we will have the courage and the strength to do what we have to do.
May 12, 2011 @ 8:07 pm
I, like Laurie, don’t think I will ever go back to the way I was before Jim’s cancer. When he had a heart attack at the age of 35 all good thoughts were split with “but my husband had a heart attack”. I don’t know if I ever got over that kind of thinking especially after he had bypass surgery 12 years later. Then cancer entered our lives and once again it was “oh my what a beautiful day/my husband has cancer”. I have been forever altered. I admire people who come out the other side, pick up their lives and go full speed ahead but I guarantee you they are not the same as before either. If this is the new normal, I don’t approve.
May 12, 2011 @ 5:13 pm
I am forever altered by my cancer experiences but after 10 surgeries, chemo, radiation, a vaccine, probably close to 50 PET scans, CTs and MRIs, how can I not be. Cancer has been omnipresent in my life and my family’s lives for 10 years. When I say altered, I don’t mean in a bad way but in a good way. I am truly thankful for each day because I have gone to many funerals of friends who lost their battles with the beast. I know how truly blessed and fortunate I am and I give Thanks. I try to help others just entering the fight or those whose cancer has returned. I hope that I represent a Beacon of Hope…yes it is possible to survive cancer and its recurrences. I haven’t done anything special to deserve to still be here except to accept the grace of God. When I participated in the Cancer Survivors Network event here at a local hospital, the common theme from most of the cancer survivors was that they were blessed and tried in everyday life to “pay it forward”. Cancer does alter us, I believe, but even in the numerous cancer battles whether won or lost, there is good that can be taken if we look carefully. I reflect on Leroy’s battle. Even though the cancer took his life, he left a legacy of good for thousands around the world via his blog and now via Laurie’s blog. That is all good, all the time personified.