Remembering
Johns Hopkins honored the memory of those lost to cancer over the past year last night with their second annual “Night of Remembrance.” It’s a very special evening where friends and family members are invited to gather, sharing their sorrow, but also gaining strength from each other.
I was asked to be a guest speaker. I’d like to share my words with all of you on this day after an emotional night for the more than 400 who gathered to “remember.”
EVERY TIME I WALK THROUGH THIS LOBBY, I REMEMBER.
I RMEMBER THE FIRST TIME LEROY AND I DROVE INTO THE PARKING LOT, HERE AT WEINBERG. THERE WERE SO MANY CARS, WE FOUND A SPOT ON THE THIRD LEVEL AND FROM SOME CRAZY, SUPERSTITIOUS REASON, THAT’S WHERE WE WOULD PARK FOR EVERY APPOINTMENT HE EVER HAD HERE.
THAT’S WHERE I STILL PARK, TO THIS DAY.
IT’S BEEN 32 MONTHS AND 19 DAYS SINCE THIS NASTY BEAST WE CALL CANCER, TOOK HIS LIFE.
HE’S IN MY HEAD AND IN MY HEART EVERY, SINGLE, DAY.
LEROY SIEVERS WAS AN INDEPENTENT MAN. HE WAS A BIG MAN, IN MANY WAYS, HE USED EVERY BIT OF HIS 6-FOOT 5-INCH FRAME TO MAKE HIS POINT.
LEROY WAS A FIRST CLASS JOURNALIST. HE TRAVELED THE WORLD STOPPING AT JUST ABOUT EVERY HELL-HOLE YOU CAN IMAGINE TO COVER WAR…15 OF THEM, AS A MATTER OF FACT…FROM CENTRAL AMERICA, TO THE BALKANS, RWANDA, THE INVASION OF IRAQ AND BEYOND. OVER 30 YEARS IN THE TELEVISION NEWS BUSINESS.
HE WAS GOOD AT WHAT HE DID TOO.
AS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE ABC NEWS PROGRAMS, “NIGHTLINE” HE COLLECTED A SLEW OF AWARDS…COLUMBIA-DUPONT SILVER BATONS, PEABODYS, AND A DOZEN NATIONAL NEWS EMMYS. HE HAD A POSSE OF PRODUCERS, CORRESPONDENTS, EDITORS AND CAMERA CREWS WHO WOULD FOLLOW HIM ANYWHERE, JUST KNOWING IT WAS LEROY WHO HAD THEIR BACK.
THOSE LIFE EXPERIENCES WOULD PREPARE HIM FOR WHAT WAS TO COME. FINDING HIS OWN SENSE OF PEACE AND MEANING, AND FACING HIS OWN MORTALITY.
IN A STRANGE SORT OF WAY, AND I DIDN’T REALIZE IT AT THE TIME, I WAS “IN-TRAINING” TOO…TO BECOME A CAREGIVER.
THERE WASN’T A STORY HE TRAVELED TO WHERE I HADN’T PACKED GATORADE, GUM ALMONDS, HANDI-WIPES AND LET’S NOT FORGET THE CHOCOLATE…I LEARNED EARY ONE, YOU CAN’T COVER CONFLICT WITHOUT CHOCOLATE.
ALL OF THOSE THINGS WENT INTO HIS TRAVEL GEAR ALONG WITH LITTLE PIECES OF PAPER STUCK INTO HIS SOCKS. LITTLE NOTES THAT SAID, “COME HOME SOON,”…”BE SAFE”…OR “I LOVE YOU.”
A CARE-GIVER IN TRAINING.
OUR FIRST STEP INTO CANCER WORLD CAME IN 2001. IT WAS A “ROUTINE” COLONOSCOPY, THAT WASN’T.
SURGERY MEANT A LENGTHY RECOVERY AT HOME.
LEROY WAS NOT A “PATIENT” PATIENT.
BUT LIFE, EVENTUALLY, RETURNED TO NORMAL.
CANCER..THE WORD, THE THOUGHT, THE DISEASE, EXCEPT FOR THE CHECK-UPS, REALLY DIDN’T HAVE A PLACE IN OUR LIVES.
WE WERE FINISHED WITH IT.
IT WASN’T FINISHED WITH US.
WHO KNOWS WHERE CANCER GOES WHEN IT DISAPPEARS OFF THE SCANS. IT CAME OUT OF HIDING IN 2005, AS AN EXPLOSION OF DISEASE INSIDE LEROY.
HE WAS IN FOR THE FIGHT OF HIS LIFE. HIS FINAL WAR. I WAS NO LONGER A CAREGIVER IN TRAINING..
THIS WAS THE REAL DEAL.
ALL OF US WHO HAVE LIVED OURLIVES AS CAREGIVERS WEAR THE HAT DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE OUR SITUATIONS ARE ALL DIFFERENT.
BUT THERE ARE A FEW CONSTANTS.
WE ARE THE ADVOCATES. FIERCE, STRONG, UNWAVERING ADVOCATES. IN CANCER WORLD, WHEN THE DISEASE IS ON THE MARCH, IT IS THE CAREGIVER WHO NEEDS TO STAND UP AND ADVOCATE FOR THEIR LOVED-ONE.
BUT WE NEED SUPPORT TOO. NO ONE HAD BETTER FRIENDS IN THIS FIGHT, THAN LEROY. THEY KEPT HIM IN THE GAME…THE KEPT HIM ENGAGED IN LIFE. I WAS IN AWE OF THEIR POWER OVER THIS DISEASE.
I LEARNED EARLY ON, IN OUR BATTLE, I COULD NOT BE THE ONLY CAREGIVER. FRIENDS AND FAMILY NOT ONLY HELPED LEROY, BUT THEIR SUPPORT LIFTED ME UP, MORE TIMES THAN I COULD COUNT.
AND REMEMBER, CAREGIVERS ARE THE “HEART” IN THIS FIGHT.
IT IS OUR COMPASSION AND OUR CARING THAT MAKES EACH DAY WORTH FIGHTING FOR. WE TRY EVERY DAY TO FIND A LITTLE BIT OF “POSITIVE”..EVEN ON THE WORST DAYS.
WHEN MY HEART WAS BREAKING, I WOULD RETREAT SOMEWHERE PRIVATELY, TO CRY AND ACHE ALONE. I WANTED LEROY TO THINK ABOUT LIVING…MY CAREGIVING WAS “LIFE-GIVING” SO I TRIED NOT TO SHOW MY HEART BREAK.
MANY NIGHTS, I WOULD STNAD BY THE DOOR AND JUST LISTEN TO HIM BREATHE. I KNEW I WAS GOING TO LOSE HIM. I FELT IF I COULD JUST RECORD THAT SOUND IN MY HEAD, I WOULD BE ABLE TO PALY IT BACK FOR MY HEART ON THE DAYS I NEEDED IT MOST.
CAREGIVING WAS HARD WORK.
IT TOOK THE “ME” OUR OF ME…
IT CREATED A DIFFERENT “ME”..
A CHANGED FOREVER “ME”…
BUT YOU KNOW, AS I THINK ABOUT IT NOW,32 MONTHS AND 19 DAYS LATER, AND IT’S TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO REALIZE IT, I’M A STRONGER ME.
I’M BETTING ALL OF US WHO HAVE COME THROUGH THIS HELL, ARE STRONGER TOO.
CAREGIVING GAVE US A NEW SET OF TOOLS TO WORK WITH IN THIS LIFE.
NONE OF US WOULD EVER HAVE CHOSEN THIS PATH..WEMISS OURLOVED ONES BEYOND WORDS, THAT’S WHY WE’RE HERE TONIGHT…TO REMEMBER.
AND THAT’S WHY IT’S IMPORTANT TO PARK ON THE SAME LEVEL IN THE LOT BELOW.
IT’S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER ALL THE WALKS THROUGH THIS LOBBY.
AND , IT’S IMPORTANT TO “REMEMBER THEM” AND REMEMBER OUR ROLE IN THE FINAL PHASE OF THEIR LIVES…
FROM ONE CAREGIVER TO ANOTHER…I SALUTE YOU ON A JOB WELL DONE.
December 8, 2015 @ 5:28 am
change life treasure
May 22, 2011 @ 2:35 pm
Well said, Laurie. Yes, I’m a “stronger me” because of my caregiving years and that is helping me navigate this new widowed life. 8 months today. My sincere thanks to you and Leroy for guiding the way. Bless you.
May 22, 2011 @ 10:40 am
Laurie,
I have been following this blog since losing my husband in July, 2008. Your words and the words of others have helped me through it all. Harvey too is in my head and heart every single day.
Thank you .
May 22, 2011 @ 8:00 am
As I’ve always said without caregivers there wouldn’t be any survivors.
As a survivor I’d like to say to all caregivers, Thank you!
And to you Laurie for continuing on the blog, for being to Caregivers what Leroy to those of us with cancer, Thank you.
May 22, 2011 @ 1:15 am
Three years ago my wife died because she had cancer, In three years I lost my wife, my home, and my job. My daughter suffered a serious illness and my older brother had a stroke. My nephew, who I helped raise, is deployed on the other side of the world as he serves his country in a difficult and dangerous environment. Recently, I damn near lost my dog to some bizarre canine disease.. I don’t know if I’m any stronger? What I do know is thanks to Leroy and Laurie Sievers I have a place to go when I need help standing. There are times when I remember the old parking spot and I remember Penny insisting that she was able to walk into that big, scary hospital on her own.I always watched her go through the automatic doors before I parked the car. She always had her shoulders back and her head high. A brave entrance into a world that our culture prefers to forget. She asked for a bed when she took her last chemotherapy. I knew then it was time to quit pushing, but to this day, my heart can’t stop racing. Now I have a cubicle instead of an office, neighbors instead of acres, and quiet tears instead of a life shared with sparkling eyes. When I think of Penny, Chuck,Bunk,Michelle,Leroy,Stan,Randy,Paul, and recently-Bridget I can only be humbled.I was honored to be titled-caregiver. I am faithful not because I held the hand of someone peering into the night, but because I have glimpsed the truth of a light that remains beautiful.
May 22, 2011 @ 9:44 am
Ned…. sending you hugs today my friend. You’ve been through a lot recently (note how we count years and years as recent now adays?), but you’ve come through it all. I would say that is pretty strong!!
May 20, 2011 @ 10:23 pm
Excellent speech Laurie…you said it all. I am sure that your presence at that night of remembrance helped to strengthen and comfort all there. Thank you for being our representative and for championing this cause so diligently!!
May 20, 2011 @ 3:07 pm
Good job, Laurie. We learned about our loved ones from Leroy and how to take care of them from you…thank you!
May 20, 2011 @ 2:01 pm
Just superb!!! You said what many caregivers would like to say. You stood tall for them. May God bless you for all of the good work you do not only for caregivers but for patients as well.
May 20, 2011 @ 1:33 pm
Excellent talk, Laurie. I can hear you giving it. You’re still care-giving and I know I speak for all of us here when I say thank you, again, for never forgetting.
May 20, 2011 @ 1:18 pm
Wow Laurie… Amen