It’s another stormy day, similar to this date three years ago. The thunder rumbled in the distance early that day and would return that afternoon as a deep growl. A signal perhaps, of the life ending, life changing events to come.
It all changed that night. The end of Leroy’s life meant the beginning of a different life for me. I look back on these past three years and wonder how I managed to muddle through the pain, the sadness of losing this man. I loved him. He wasn’t perfect, no one is, but he held the key to my heart. Losing him broke it into pieces.
The first year of loss was a blur. I guess that’s why ‘they’ tell you to get your affairs in order. It makes sense to me now, because the person left standing, is left with a brain that isn’t working and a heart that has gone beatless. I call it “The Year of Going Through the Motions.”
And just because a year has passed doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods. There is no time limit on healing. From where I stand, three years out, healing will continue for the rest of my life. Missing Leroy is never going to stop. That big life, left a very big hole.
Every walk on the canal, I miss him. We left countless conversations and even more foot steps on that dirt path. Those size 13’s were my compass.
Maui, the Pacific…the place where we would renew so much of what made us who we were together…and the place where he rests today.
The gatherings of the old “Nightline” gang are a bitter-sweet event for me, but it’s so important to stay connected. These were Leroy’s people…he admired their talent, their creativity, their friendship…they were an extension of our family then, and now.
Leroy paid it forward during his treatment years up at Hopkins, I’d like to think he would be proud of me, knowing that I’m reaching out to other cancer patients and their caregiver’s in those same exam rooms and therapy centers.
Some old friends have become distant, I guess that’s to be expected, but most have stayed strong and true. They have been great “lifters.” I have “Leroy missing moments” that come out of the blue and they hit with a mighty punch…thank goodness for family and friends.
I don’t think I could have gotten through these years, without the “Our Cancer”community. I mean that, sincerely. I’ve come here to share my highs and lows, just like the rest of you. You’ve given guidance and understanding and there’s no better listening-post on the planet. Thank you
This new journey is a constant rebooting of life. Some days it brings smiles and some days it brings tears.
Today, it brings both. I will visit the canal. I’ll feel all 6-feet 5-inches of him, in his favorite t-shirt and shorts, next to me. I’ll look at pictures and think back over the years when we made so many memories together. That’s when the smiles will break through the tears.
Remember him today, if you find a moment. He was a good man. He was a strong man.
I only hope he is resting in peace.
August 16, 2011 @ 7:50 am
He’s resting and at peace Laurie, he doesn’t have any battles to fight anymore and he left here with his garden being well tended…how awesome is that! Tough day I am sure, but today is the present, I hope when you open it you find some amazing things in store for you! Love and hugs…
August 15, 2011 @ 5:41 pm
As soon as I realized the date today, I remembered that day three years ago and I thought of you Laurie and wondered what you would do today. You have been such a beacon for so many of us while you were struggling as well. I’m proud of us, as a group, that you know you can come here without always being the cheerleader. We know you hurt and that you have had many sad days and we are honored to be able to give you some comfort as we remember Leroy on this day. I know Leroy is so proud of you for keeping us together and I firmly believe he is at peace.
August 15, 2011 @ 5:31 pm
Laurie,
Again, many heartfelt thanks to you for continuing what Leroy created. Thinking of you, and, lifting.
August 15, 2011 @ 5:15 pm
Compassionate and caring Leroy. It is such work to rebuild after such a big soul leaves.
When Joe left I felt that he was the bigger half and really I could have just died myself, I was so exhausted and spent on every level.
Laurie, for certain, you must know he would be so proud of how you walked through this great loss and picked up his torch and carried forward. Amazing job!!
August 15, 2011 @ 3:40 pm
Remembering Leroy today for sure! He’ll never be forgotten. There are people who have made such an impression in your life for the good, Leroy is such a person. I am grateful to have “known” him.
Mo. hope and pray that your friend can reach beyond the 18 month mark.
August 15, 2011 @ 12:26 pm
Know, Laurie, that Leroy is resting in peace.
I’ll be traveling by the canal today myself because of an appointment that takes me by. I’ll be sure to say Leroy’s name aloud. And remember those words “It’s a life worth living.”
You know, Leroy’s words live on. They were such a gift and they still bring solace.
Lifting with a loud 1 – 2 – 3.
My friend’s diagnosis is malignant brain cancer. Her determination now is working toward that 18-month mark. Please say a prayer for her, too, while you’re on your walk.