Getting Through It..
It might be time for a little reflection.
It’s been three and-a-half years since Leroy died.
I was out for my walk late this afternoon, the air was heavy with leftover moisture from the rain earlier today. The clouds were busy pushing themselves to the north and the sunset on the horizon was a muted red-orange glow. The days are finally getting longer and for that I am so grateful. I like long days and shorter nights.
I think a lot about Leroy in the evenings. Does that sound strange? I do…Maybe it’s because I rewind through the day and there’s usually something that has happened that I would have told him about or called him to share. Even now, three and a-half years later.
Early-on in my grieving, that would make me so sad, but now, it’s much easier to handle. It’s really true what they say about the “Stages of Grief. So many of us know about that: Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Depression, Resignation and finally Acceptance and Hope.
I don’t think they come in any particular order. Some come all at once and I think some come, go and come again. And I promise you this, there is no time table for any of these either. Oh, I know many of us have had friends who think if we’re not over the grief in a year, somethings wrong, but that is just not true.
The acceptance and hope part of this list is probably the most important stage only because it’s the part where we all need to realize we’re never going to be the same again, but that’s OK. Add on the “hope” part and that gives us new meaning in our lives. WE can still have lives, is what I’m saying. Good, happy, meaningful lives.
Unfortunately, the other stages come first and they aren’t easy.
Try to look at it this way…this is an old African Proverb: ” There is no way out of the desert, except through it.”
It’s been three and a-half years in the sand.
February 17, 2012 @ 9:41 pm
Grief has no time table for ending, or at least I can not find one if there is one. I do notice the pain is less intense, but I am aware of the losses and think of them every day.
I still some days wish only to pull the covers over my head and pretend when I arise this will all have been but a dream.
Laurie I admire your courage and strength you’ve shown us all time and time again, it has made my burdens that much easier to carry and kept my hope alive.
February 17, 2012 @ 12:41 pm
Yesterday, I visited with someone who told me that the first year after her husband died, she managed relatively well. It was the second year that caused so much trouble. In fact, she spent a month in a mental hospital, after months of staying in bed with the covers pulled up, wishing to die. She is very slowly finding her way back into the world. She told me that her doctor said that six weeks was enough time to grieve. I told her, “a part of you will always grieve.”
February 17, 2012 @ 10:14 am
When my mother died, it was one of the saddest yet happiest days of my life. She was buried in the family plot and was finally Home after suffering from Alzheimer’s for several years. In order to have a way to express my grief and to work through it, I began a journal of her story based upon my memories. It is still a work in progress for me even after 11 years. The difference is that now I read my words written years ago, last year and last week and they serve to put a smile on my face and in my heart. Sadness is still on the pages but joy is also there. I’ve written this mostly for myself but I hope one day to share it with my kids and then the grand kids. I would like them to know from whence they came.
Perhaps journaling could help capture your thoughts and feelings as well as memories. It has helped me even today.
February 17, 2012 @ 8:31 am
A friend told me of her father, after her mother had died, that one morning he stood in the garden, the sun shining and he acknowledged that life was worth living again…. something Leroy told us all long ago.
Thank you, your efforts helped me get to that place.
February 17, 2012 @ 7:07 am
I have gone through all the stages of grief. They were not in any particular order, they were just there. After almost three years I can say that I’m doing much better, but the sadness never leaves you. I now know the difference in being “Alone” and being “Lonely”……..it’s tough and you’re right Laurie, the nights are the hardest……………..Kathie……..I think about you and hope you are doing OK………..still lifting
February 16, 2012 @ 11:38 pm
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February 16, 2012 @ 10:13 pm
You are right…no way out except through it. I have been so resistant to medication to make me a “happier” person because I have wanted to feel the pain and loneliness. I have to at some point so why not now and start working ont the acceptance stage. I have told so many stories about him this week and I can smile when I do it and not feel like it’s ripping my heart out. Valentine’s day was a bit difficult because it was couple talk everywhere so I just tried to remember the ones we had together and let the memories hold me. I just miss his sweet smile and loving touch so much but I can’t change the cards life has dealt me…only play them. You have shown such amazing strength to the public and that has inspired me quite a few times. It helps.