The Time Machine
Some days I think we get stuck in our own time machines.
The hands on the clock spin wildly and when they finally stop we find ourselves at the hour of a memory that can be painful to remember. Sasha still hurts so deeply. She is approaching the third anniversary of John’s death and even with weeks to go before the actual date, she’s already reliving that day, over and over again.
Will it ever get better? Will the grief that grips her so tightly ever let go?
This is the week, four years ago, when I saw a difference in Leroy’s condition. His cancer made a vicious move and all I could do was watch. My time machine has taken me back to those weeks, every year at this time. Will that ever change? I just don’t know. Do I try to prepare myself and recognize what’s about to happen? I try, but I don’t think it does much good.
Cancer does that…death of a loved one does that. Our clocks have been reset.
May 18, 2012 @ 2:23 am
Sasha,
The bleeding has stopped… it’s a step forward. The wound is gaping but it is starting to heal. I told my girlfriend the other day that eventually, we find a warm, quiet place in our hearts for our memories, a place where we can now cry the happy tears. I hope you find that place…it’s beautiful and filled with love, comfort and peace. Until you do, we are still holding you up and lifting my dear!….
May 17, 2012 @ 7:29 am
Laurie, I remember your last post before Leroy passed away. While I don’t remember the exact words it made me think of a terrible night with the wolf howling at the door. It was so telling. I think all of us, patients and caregivers, can look at a calendar and pick out so many times that are attached to memories. It may be a hospital stay, treatment or a memorable doctor’s visit. Fortunately there is a peppering of happiness in there and we can pull from that when needed. My doctor tells me that grief actually has a short life span before it turns to depression…I don’t agree with that. It would be great if we could all sit in a room and release all those pent up emotions to each other. It would be a room of understanding.
May 16, 2012 @ 8:19 pm
My Dear Laurie………thank you for your kind words. Like you, I still have this huge hole in my heart. They say time heals, but, just how much time does it take? The only way for me to describe how I feel is that the bleeding has stopped, but the wound is still wide open…………lifting