The first night you’re alone after losing your loved one, you’re numb, but even then, you know the year of “firsts” has begun.
As I recall it, there seemed to be some kind of protective shield around me. I felt isolated from all the activity going on, but still, I did the things that I needed to do. The first “firsts” of my new life. My life without Leroy.
It was in the early morning hours when I finally put my head down on the pillow in our bed. It had become “my” bed in an instant and that was just the beginning. There would be birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and plenty of days when I just wanted to tell him about my day.
My friend is in her “first” year. She just celebrated her birthday. Her first birthday without her husband. Cancer took his life nine months ago. Today is another big marker for them and her memories are weighing heavily on her heart.
It’s days like these that remind me of how brutal cancer can be. How it takes couples and families and breaks them in two. Lives of the survivors go on, but we are forced to adjust and never really quite get back on track. We built new lives, we had no choice, but there’s a missing beat; a rhythm we felt vanish when our loved one died. Others come into our lives with their own rhythm and it helps, but it can’t duplicate what we’ve lost.
As we go through our year of “firsts” we quickly realize how different we’ve become….but we still remember the special dates we shared with our loved ones because they live on inside us. It’s important to remember them…first and forever.
June 6, 2012 @ 6:33 am
Ditto Kathie…..I feel exactly the same. No matter how wonderful it is to be with old friends, I always feel like the third wheel. I’m so very lonely without the love of my life beside me. Tomorrow June 7th is the third anniversary of John\’s death. I have had a bad time reflecting back on this past week of June 2009, I can clearly remember what today was like and what transpired all day tomorrow……hour by hour…..just sitting with him and waiting, knowing that he was not going to last through the night. Does it ever get better? Laurie, thank you again for keeping this blog alive for us………still lifting…..
June 5, 2012 @ 10:07 pm
The year of “firsts” is so very difficult and now I am finding all the events we would have attended as a couple or all the “couple things” are so difficult. Family dinners, cookouts, birthdays, work related functions…they are all so very lonely. For those who have never lost a spouse, and I don’t mean to leave others out, it is such a lonely time when the one person you shared all your days with is not there for comfort and companionship. I made it through all the firsts but I don’t know how to make it through the rest of my life.