The Fear….
Does it ever go away; the fear that the cancer will return?
Thinking back, I remember an ABC News colleague of Leroy’s was battling breast cancer the same time he was in treatment for his colon cancer. She would call on occasion and talk about surviving her disease, but she’d always end the conversation by saying, “Well, at least it hasn’t come back yet.”
YET….the common word in cancer conversation. No sign of it YET. That comes from the survivors side.
“It’s not what we see, it’s what we don’t see, that worries us.” That’s how the oncologists say it.
Two women I’ve talked to recently have expressed this fear. They’ve just finished treatment for breast cancer, had reconstructive surgery and are slowly coming out of the cancer world haze that has clouded their space for months. They still suffer from the malaise of the disease, but kids and summer time and life has helped them get back into the swing of living. They both say that they don’t think about the cancer, past or future, except when there’s a lull in their day. It just has a way of creeping into their thoughts like a Tule fog; low and dense.
Leroy was able to put his first go-around with cancer in the past. He charged ahead once he healed from surgery and it wasn’t until 4 1/2 years later, when the colon cancer made a return appearance as a tumor in his brain, did he or we really expect to deal with it again. Was I naive not to think it would return? Should I have had that fear all along? Knowing what I know now, the answers are yes and yes but sometimes knowledge isn’t a good thing. I would never give back those 4 1/2 years of not thinking about cancer.
The fear is strong enough in the fight.
July 11, 2012 @ 10:32 am
Yet… The fear is there every year at mammogram/ultrasound time, especially when a breast MRI is ordered… Every 3 months when the blood protein count is taken (for the multiple myeloma)… I cope by considering the myeloma to be a chronic illness, but I do know what it really is.
My strength to all of us in this situation. And, Al, I hope the scans continue to show you to be NED.
July 11, 2012 @ 4:56 pm
Thank you very much. I’ve gotten to be friends with ‘ol NED and I kinda like him hanging around for some time to come.
July 11, 2012 @ 8:39 am
My scans are approaching soon. My thoughts get really focused during this time because I’ve heard the “bad news” numerous times but I’ve also heard the “good news….NED is in residence” numerous times. My cancers have returned or have been new cancers 8 times. I’m long passed “returned yet” and have accepted “has or has not returned again” when someone asks. Nevertheless, I fully understand “not returned yet” and the feelings that accompany this phrase. May we all be so fortunate to have NED be our companion for the remainder of our lives!
July 11, 2012 @ 10:33 am
Al,
I’d love it if you could change your name to NED.
July 11, 2012 @ 4:54 pm
Thank you but I’d wish it for all who live with this disease or the prospect of it. Maybe one day……..
July 10, 2012 @ 9:57 pm
Cancer and cancer news stories and cancer discussions are so prevalent that it is hard to put the fear on the back burner but anytime you can, even for a short time, is precious. We all hope and pray survivors are just that. Eventhough Jim never had anytime without cancer once he was diagnosed, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop after we would get good news. Certainly making the most of each moment is the best thing to do but that little shadow lurks in all the corners.