Living in cancer world made a permanent change in me. I’m not just talking about a personality shift. I’m talking a change that is buried deep in the core of my soul. I lost something the day Leroy was diagnosed. The night he died, that hollow space stretched to a breaking point. Since then, I’ve gone through all the stages of patching-up the wounds and I think I’m in an OK place now, but I’m still different.
I’ve met so many care-givers who are like me. They know we have no choice but to go on and make a life without our loved ones. Some do it better than others. I applaud those who really start over. They find a new relationship. They build a new life with a new partner. They take the old pieces and tuck them away, I mean really bury them. Life, love, living is what they do with no signs of ‘sad.’
How do they do that?
I was with a couple yesterday…they’ve lost both their children to cancer. We were working together on a Hopkins project, so I really got to talk to them about living with that kind of loss. They have the means to set-up wonderful foundations honoring their two kids. The dad said something that caught my attention; “We have chosen to stop mourning their deaths and instead do something that will help others who have cancer, live longer, healthier lives.”
I have no doubt that this is their mission in life now. And they will save lives. It’s a fantastic gift.
We spent a lot of time together. I caught flashes of who they used to be before cancer. They shared old stories, laughed together; real glimpses of who they were a long time ago. And then, they’d come back to the present and the “twinkle” would disappear.
I get that. I know how that happens. WE all change.
July 23, 2012 @ 7:52 pm
Saddened to learn that pancreatic cancer has taken the life of Sally Ride, at 61.
July 23, 2012 @ 6:36 am
I have friends that lost a child eight years ago. I see a big difference in them as a couple. Instead of the tragedy bringing them closer together, it polarized them. They are like two strangers. I just found out a few weeks ago that their youngest son was diagnosed with lymphoma and is undergoing chemotherapy. I think this will push them over the edge. I admire the strength that the couple at Hopkins has. But, I guess everyone grieves differently………..either way, cancer sucks……….lifting
July 23, 2012 @ 6:20 am
That is quite the thing what that couple said – to choose to stop mourning and instead focus on helping others. I find it very moving, very powerful, and just such a large choice. I guess it becomes impossible to function if sadness is with us forever. But like you say, the diagnosis and repercussions – it is impossible to avoid a change, a deep soul-gripping shift as you said before. Great post, I think many can relate.
July 20, 2012 @ 7:21 pm
Yes we all do change because cancer came into our lives. I choose, yes I really do choose, to try mightily to be better because of it. It has focused me to know that this is “my life” now and going forward. I can do what I can to make it the best for family and friends and even strangers or I can do nothing. Do I wish that cancer had never stopped at my doorstep……YES and YES again. But it did. My cancer and its many visits have afforded me the opportunity to meet some very special people and to become involved in some very special groups like this one. It has enabled me to return to my church and to give Thanks that God never gave up on me when I ignored His unceasing calls. It has enabled me to work with others fighting the beast and to witness the very best of the human spirit even in times of loss. It has enabled me to share my vision of HOPE for all who are fighting the beast and YES there is every reason to HOPE…..Always Believe In Miracles. YES, they do occur. I have witnessed one. Sadly they do not occur often enough. I am encouraged each day by the caregivers…selfless angels ministering to us through all sorts of trials and tribulations while ignoring your own pain and suffering. YES angels walk among us!! I have seen some, read about some and I live with one. We all change. How could we not! I pray for us all that we will be better than we ever thought we could be. We have been forged in the fires of adversity and loss. Let us all stand together for our brothers and sisters who are in the fight so that they can see that it is possible to emerge from the fight with some scars, both physical and emotional, yet with the “little light of Hope” burning brightly.
July 20, 2012 @ 5:34 pm
I think losing a child must be the hardest thing and moving forward and honoring their memory must take great strength. I also admire people who move on and rebuild their lives but I just can’t seem to do that. Maybe I just don’t know how to do it. I feel like I have just been going through life with absolutely no purpose. I wish I could get myself really involved in helping people navigate cancer world but my motivation just won’t kick in. I envy your involvement and dedication to Hopkins and I can’t imagine how many people you help on a daily basis with what you do. You are doing spectacular things I’m sure.