Here I am, one week away from the four year mark.  Four years since I started a different life. A  life without the one person in the world I planned to spend my life with; grow old with. 

 Can you believe it, but I still wake-up some days and think “How did this happen?”  

Every once in a while, I turn back the clock and think about the ‘first’ year with out Leroy.  It’s really a blur.  I went through all the things the experts say a person goes through, but I can’t remember much.  I’m convinced the brain really has a cushion lobe for hard times in life.  And when you lose a spouse, that lobe expands.  It’s not enough to turn you into a marshmallow, but it does help soften the hurt. 

I’ve learned over these years, that there’s no more wall to lean on.  I think that’s the hardest part.  I don’t think I realized just how much I leaned on that 6-foot 5-inch fame of a man.  I always thought I was pretty independent.  And I guess I was in most cases, but when I needed that strong wing-span around me, it was there to hold me close.

I’ve tried to reach out to family and friends who have gone through similar cancer scenarios over these past four years.   The knowledge I learned from Leroy’s battle can help others. Newcomers to cancer world who become instant care-givers have also benefited from the path I traveled before them.  And it’s not just the helpful hints I’ve passed along, but the warning signs that come with care giving too.  We have breaking points too.  Nothing takes you to that point like cancer.

Four years….I started over taking baby-steps; crawling really.  I’m not sure I’ve hit my stride, even now.

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