Still in the Starting Blocks…
Here I am, one week away from the four year mark. Four years since I started a different life. A life without the one person in the world I planned to spend my life with; grow old with.
Can you believe it, but I still wake-up some days and think “How did this happen?”
Every once in a while, I turn back the clock and think about the ‘first’ year with out Leroy. It’s really a blur. I went through all the things the experts say a person goes through, but I can’t remember much. I’m convinced the brain really has a cushion lobe for hard times in life. And when you lose a spouse, that lobe expands. It’s not enough to turn you into a marshmallow, but it does help soften the hurt.
I’ve learned over these years, that there’s no more wall to lean on. I think that’s the hardest part. I don’t think I realized just how much I leaned on that 6-foot 5-inch fame of a man. I always thought I was pretty independent. And I guess I was in most cases, but when I needed that strong wing-span around me, it was there to hold me close.
I’ve tried to reach out to family and friends who have gone through similar cancer scenarios over these past four years. The knowledge I learned from Leroy’s battle can help others. Newcomers to cancer world who become instant care-givers have also benefited from the path I traveled before them. And it’s not just the helpful hints I’ve passed along, but the warning signs that come with care giving too. We have breaking points too. Nothing takes you to that point like cancer.
Four years….I started over taking baby-steps; crawling really. I’m not sure I’ve hit my stride, even now.
August 9, 2012 @ 1:37 pm
Laurie,
I walk in a parallel universe to you having lost my mom in 2006. It’s hard to believe that it will be 6 years later this month… I readily admit losing a parent is not the same as losing a spouse (therefore “parallel universe”). However, one thing that I find oddly comforting is wearing her favorite color on the anniversaries of her birth and death. I extended this to wearing a Hawaiian shirt on Leroy’s anniversary based on something you said in this blog not long after you adopted us. Much strength to you and many, many thanks. Still lifting.
August 9, 2012 @ 8:20 am
In spite of your loss and pain, you’ve continued to do so much good for so many. The Mighty Oak looks down and smiles!!
August 9, 2012 @ 7:27 am
My Dear Laurie,
My thoughts and prayers will be with you. I remember how I felt this year when June started to creep up. Everyone was happy and excited about the start of summer………..I was in a very different place that month. Be well……we are all here thinking of you……..Lifting
August 8, 2012 @ 11:23 pm
Laurie, you have been a rock to us through our own journey. We have all traveled this road together, it has had it’s bumps for sure. We have struggled with more pain than any of us care to even imagine. But we are all stronger for it. We light a path for the many people that follow. And we both know, those numbers continue to increase each year. Cancer touches us and it still hurts like hell. Almost 5 years and that lump in my throat just crashes on through some days. My girlfriend just lost her mom to lung cancer. I was able to pay it forward and help her and what a gift it was to me. It brought so many memories I have chosen to forget come crashing in. The tears fell, but it felt good. The release was monumental, if only for a brief moment.
We will all be here over the next few weeks as you trudge through those memories that we wish we could forget, but can’t because they are a part of the love we once shared. Peace be with you Laurie…you are an Angel to many of us. We can never say “thank you” enough. You have helped us to heal…
Lifting….
Laurie
August 8, 2012 @ 6:48 pm
Your public side has been so strong and you have become so involved in the cancer community but those of us who walk with you, know what it’s like when you come home and there are no strong arms to walk into. You are very open with your feelings because you want to help all of us but you are hurting as much as we are. I wish I had some magic pill for you to help soften the pain….I would surely send it to you. I will be having a rough work day next week but I promise you I will take time to think of you and say a prayer for strength. You lift us and we will return the favor.
August 8, 2012 @ 6:03 pm
It is a good thing that there is now awareness that there is no timetable for recovery from loss. Ghosts rise up just when a person thinks they are making progress. One gift from Leory was to have the courage to start a blog and to share his true feelings about what was happening to him.