Not Exactly….
It’s been four years and just a few days shy of four months since Leroy died.
I can’t say exactly how many days of care giving went into his cancer battle over the many years of fighting the disease, but I can say, I went from being a novice to a skilled provider in that time. I really didn’t have a choice, but there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him any way.
So when I began a particular project up at the Kimmel Cancer Center that had to do with couples living with metastatic colon cancer; “our” cancer, I thought I could handle it because of my experience. I think it really did help when I met the couples who were facing the same thing Leroy and I faced, but these last few weeks, I’ve come to realize I’m still carrying a lot of that care giving and the sadness that came with it, deep inside. I mean DEEP inside.
I’d open my eyes and it was 2:15 a.m…..then it was 3:20…and then it was 5:40….and each time my mind would be racing over conversations about chemo, changing dressings, eating the right “cancer” foods. It was all coming back and it was hard to find that place, that box, where all those thoughts had escaped from.
My method now was the same as it was then; I walked. Getting out in the fresh air, putting one foot in front of the other, finding a really good pace and listening to any music that would help me push back those memories. It worked this time, but now I know that “stuff” still sits in a place where certain triggers have the power to pull them up.
Silly me…thinking I was strong enough to banish that part of me…Not exactly.
December 9, 2012 @ 1:17 am
I guess we learn to place those memories in a safe place with the understanding they will surface now and then. A friend battling cancer asked me a question today that sent me back to my CaringBridge journal to look something up. I spent a long time in there, reading of our journey, recalling how it felt to be in the midst of it, shedding some tears. Perhaps it’s important that we visit those memories.
December 7, 2012 @ 7:19 am
There are certain days when those memories are pushed back and I go through my ” New Normal” life……………But, something as simple as a song on the radio can bring me right back to reality……..than’s when the pain sets in all over again………especially now during the holiday season. Let’s stay strong together…………..Lifting
December 6, 2012 @ 7:43 pm
I continue to marvel at your involvement at Hopkins and applaud it…I don’t know how you do it. I think we all wonder if we should try to store the memories away in that box or let them run free. I suppose it depends on how you deal with them. Thank you for all you do.
December 6, 2012 @ 6:56 pm
We push that part deeper – this is what makes the resilience of the mind so incredible, that it lets us do that so that we can go on – but it never leaves us.
(I went back and read “What It’s Like”, the poem for you in “Neruda’s Memoirs”. It still feels like that.)