Another stage of “after”
Stop me if I’m wrong here, but I think I’ve discovered another stage of living with cancer after losing a loved one.
We’ve all heard of the “stages of grief” and most of us have been face-to-face with our old nemesis;it’s not a fun place to be…but today, an old friend asked me how I was doing now that’s it’s been almost 4 1/2 years of widowhood.
Interesting question
I guess I could have just said “OK” and left it at that, but he really wanted to know. He asked if I was “happy.” Again, not a “yes” or “no” answer. I’m not sure what it means to be happy anymore. I thought I did once, but that was when I was younger and life hadn’t reallly kicked-in yet. It was a much simpler life and cancer hadn’t walked on stage yet. Those were “happier” times. Now??? I’m not sure how to define the word.
I did say, I’m slowly becoming more settled. “It’s a process,” I said. I think he finally got my meaning.
I certainly did..I”m in another stage of “after.”
December 14, 2012 @ 2:57 pm
“It’s a process.” . . . I think that’s a very good answer.
December 13, 2012 @ 8:12 am
December 7th marked three and a half years since John was taken from me. I’m happy that he left me with three beautiful children and seven grandchildren. Happy?……….I think a better word would be grateful. I’m in a different place right now, but I don’t think I can say that I’m happy……..still lifting
December 12, 2012 @ 11:29 pm
I would agree with Kathie and say that I’m not “happy” – at least not in the same context that I would have used that word before Vern died. WE were happy. The two of us. Together. But I put on a pretty darn good front and most people who know me would assume that I am happy. They only see the surface. I’m “happy” I have a job I enjoy, I’m “happy” I can afford to keep my home, I’m “happy” I can take some trips and do some things that are helping me grow into this new alone life. I’m working very hard to make a life for myself after 2 years. It’s an effort and it’s hard and it’s often exhausting. But I’m doing it. For Vern. There is no other choice. But the description of the word “happy” has forever changed.
December 12, 2012 @ 9:04 pm
Happy? No I’m not happy. I laugh sometimes but happiness is just not really an emotion I feel. I feel like I just exist with no purpose. Your post the other day did make me realize I had served a purpose in taking care of Jim and loving him but I can’t take care of him anymore so I feel lost. Thank God for a demanding job.
December 12, 2012 @ 8:17 pm
I hope I get to a place where I feel more settled. It’s been 2 months and I just feel alone and hurt and sad. I go through the motions of life, mostly for my kids, but the joy is gone. There is no joy.
December 12, 2012 @ 8:02 pm
Can 4-1/2 years already have passed?
May 2013 will mark 4 years since Patrick died. Every day, I look at his picture on the shelf beside my writing desk, and every day I think, he’s gone. It’s harder now to hear in my mind the sound of his voice, but something of him I carry in my heart. So, there is end but I don’t think there is “after”, and certainly at least not in the way of the definitions of the word, which all seem so odd in the context of loss: “behind in place”, “about” or “concerning”, “in imitation of”, “at a time later than”, “following”.
There is end, and there is holding on, and there is going on. And all of it is contained in the moment we call “now”.