Stepping UP…
Do we really know how to help a loved one or friend when they’re facing a serious diagnosis? Do we know what to say or what to do? How many times have we been in the room when someone says something so awkward, we just want to run for the door?
We can’t get enough good advice on this type of care giving because according to a survey done by the Center to Advance Palliative Care, 70 percent of us will care for a seriously ill friend or family member at some point in our lives.
‘Real Simple’ …a wonderful magazine has done the work for us in a article on this very subject. Here’s a few examples of care giving 101 that will guide us in the right direction.
An offer to ‘help’ isn’t enough in this situation. It is suggested that we need to be specfic in our offer. Find out what will really help make the patients’ life a little easier and take-it-on. If your offer is declined, many times over, take the hint and step back…some times the patient really means ‘No thanks.”
Phyllis Kosminsky, a PhD., a psychotherapist at the Center for Hope in Darien, CT., reminds us we need to follow through too. When the diagnosis is new, it’s typical for many friends to offer help, but as the days turn into weeks and months, that help tends to drop off….don’t stop offering.
Try to keep it ‘normal.’ Friends need friends to be themselves…just like they were before the diagnosis. Try not to let the diagnosis change the way you around your friend or loved one.
Watch your emotions. I cried plenty of times around Leroy, but there was always a good reason for it. A bad scan, a scary procedure or just a bad day, but for the most part I let him guide me on the emotional side of his cancer.
Probably the most important point in this article is the “what not to say” list. It seems so obvious what not to say but eveything mentioned actually was said in our home and more than once!!! There were times when I would cringe just listening to a well-meaning friend make a bad situation worse….
“My aunt Mary had that and…..” It always ended well for the aunt Mary’s in the world. We aren’t all that lucky.
“How long did they give you?” Seriously?!!!
“You need to stay positive.” Thanks for the advice.
“Stepping-up” is important…’stepping-in-it’ is something we all need to avoid.
March 18, 2013 @ 8:31 pm
I was asked how I caught ‘it’ and told on a down day to get over it and move on. Both by I am sure well meaning people.
Al I do not think it hurts to help a friend, even if it seems a little pushy and intrusive. Seems he and his family need some helpful pushing.
March 18, 2013 @ 7:09 pm
Often well intentioned remarks come out clumsily upon inspection.
I have a friend of over 30 years who lives in my neighborhood who has the signs of beginning dementia. I know him well. He grasps for words to complete a thought and often the thought based upon his choice of words makes little sense. He knows this. He is aware. He is forgetful about things about us that he knows…it is as if it is new news. I spend time with him…lunch.and we go to gather food that would otherwise be thrown away by grocery stores and bakeries and deliver it to a food pantry. He knows where to go and what to do in these circumstances. In our get-togethers I discuss or say what he knows but he and I are true friends so I can say what is on my heart. I continue to encourage him to seek help and a diagnosis. I tell him that if he doesn’t do it and soon, there will be a day when he doesn’t know who I am plus he won’t remember his name either. I have sent him info about possible help and perhaps even treatment if he doesn’t wait too long. I want to push him and be aggressive with him before he disappears mentally but I know I must respect him and his family.
I have probably stepped over the line but he knows that I care for him deeply and would do anything to help him. We’ll continue our get-togethers for as long as possible and try to remember the great times we’ve had with our journey in life. It just breaks my heart to watch the confusion and forgetfulness take over.