Loss and Living…
Learning to live again after losing a best friend, spouse, partner, husband is a long and difficult task. I really never thought I’d be able to get past the unbearable hurt that came with thinking back on my life with Leroy.
Yesterday, he was in my head all day.
If yesterday had happened three or four years ago (and it did for months at a time), I would have been a mess for days. But here I am, a few months shy of five years since his death and I’ve come so far down the road, that I’m able to corral those thoughts and though they still make me sad, I can take those vivid images and think about them all day without going down a lonely road.
If you are traveling my road of cancer and loss, don’t ever believe any one who tells you there is a time limit to healing. Each one of us carries our own clock and I promise you it is “self-winding.”
Leroy’s always going to be in my heart. Some days he finds a way to jump out and land directly in my minds’ eye. The good news is, I’m beginning to understand that that’s OK…He’s welcome there any time.
April 25, 2013 @ 11:25 am
May marks four years. My brother’s always with me.
April 25, 2013 @ 10:23 am
Who knew where we would be today 5 years ago, stronger, wiser, better able to handle and deal with our loss. So much change for all of us that lost our loved ones. So much pain and heartache. The loneliness has always been the hardest.
I just made a decision, again, to pack up and leave the desert. I need to be closer to my kids right now. My daughter is expecting her first child and I want (or need?) to be closer to my grand daughter. I want to be closer to my son and his fiancé, see that relationship grow. It saddens me to leave the desert, the mountains, the sun and the warmth, but I can’t wait to start a new journey and see what my life now has in store for me. Who knew that at almost 59, I am starting over for the 2nd time in 5 years. This time it’s my choice, it’s my path and my destiny. So the house is on the market, I started packing again, trying to decide what to pack and what to discard. One thing for certain, my mementos from my life in Mississippi will go with me. I doubt I will ever part with those little things that will remind me of my days with Neil, the fun times we shared. I need to have those, I need to hang onto that little bit of time that I was able to share the love that ended way to quickly!
I think of the saying “you’ve come a long way baby”. I sure have… we all have.
April 24, 2013 @ 7:15 pm
Amen. I’m at 6 months… I’m not as consumed with grief as I first was, but I am still very sad and lonely. I miss him terribly, as though my heart has been shattered into a million pieces.
April 25, 2013 @ 10:26 am
Mendy, your in a good place to help you deal with each new day. We will continue to lift you up here. So hang on…it’s a bumpy ride, but here you will find a lovely garden that Leroy started ages ago and his loving wife continues to tend with loving care. Consider yourself another flower in his garden of life! Hugs…
April 24, 2013 @ 6:19 pm
It is hard to imaging oneself moving forward after such pain but I think it can happen. I attended Camp Widow this weekend which is part of the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation and it was a very uplifting experience. I was surrounded by people like me and workshops and discussions for people like me. Was it a sad time…sure it was but there was also a lot of laughter. The key message told us that our Plan A had changed and instead of settling for Plan B, make a new Plan A. Maybe someday I can do that but right now I’m hanging onto Plan B. Plan A means I have to admit that I no longer have such a big part of that plan in my life.