I don’t want you to think for a minute, that tossing the remnants yesterday, of Leroy’s cancer care at home was easy…it wasn’t and it didn’t come without a sleepless night of rewinding back to those last months of his life.
I had one of those 2a.m., 4a.m. and 5:30 a.m. wake-up sessions last night and each time I opened my eyes, I knew I had been thinking (not dreaming) of a time when he needed any of those items that had landed in the garage.
Funny, because I really thought I’d packed-up those memories and stored them in the library of my brain. I’ve tried so hard these past years to replace those images with happier times. Self preservation plays a role here…dwelling on the hard parts is not good for the heart. Besides that, I’m lucky enough to have so many wonderful images of the good times scattered around the house. There are pictures, dried flowers from special occasions, gifts and best of all, handwritten notes from Leroy that I cherish.
So letting go of those “other” things yesterday just allowed me to breathe a little easier.
May 23, 2013 @ 5:53 am
Oh my dear, Laurie. I surely understand how difficult this was/is for you. We do what we must, what we can, when we are able to do it. I try to not beat myself up for all the things I’ve yet to do. My ‘friends’ think I have it all together, but they have no idea. It feels like my dirty little secret.
May 22, 2013 @ 1:36 am
I am so sorry Laurie, it does get easier doesn’t it and then wham…a part of it comes crashing back to upset us and allows us to hurt like it happened yesterday. We try to move forward, we try to remove those little things that bring it back and yet we somehow have to hang onto it. I still have Neil’s shirts that he wore those last few days, I still have his bathrobe hanging on a hook in my bathroom, there are things, even after the journey life has taken me, I can’t let go of. This is all a part of who I am, who I was and a place i don’t ever want to forget… nor should you. It’s who you are today.. and we love you!
May 21, 2013 @ 8:39 pm
There was no doubt in my mind that this was a very difficult thing for you to do. As much as we would like to be rid of all reminders of cancer, they are attached to the ones we loved and lost to the beast. There is no control over the thoughts that we have and the memories we have, good or bad. This is just life..