A Difficult Assignment…
I never attended a grief counseling group after Leroy died. I tried, but the hospice group we used, told me their sessions were for older women. I remember the grief counselor telling me I would be out of place sitting among women who were 20 years older than I.
These women, she said, were going through loss, but on a different scale.
So I used family and friends as my “group” and I think it worked OK. It may have taken a little longer to get through some of the harder parts of loss and I’m still feeling pieces of it, but I’m standing on my own two feet learning the lessons of starting over every day.
Then I met a woman who read me part of her “moving-on” letter to the husband she lost to pancreas cancer. It was a letter than came from the deepest chambers of her heart. She told him how she’d cried, felt panicky, and wasn’t sure she could make it on her own. Then she told him how she began to heal and that now, 15 months since he’s been gone, she feels OK. She told him, “I’m going to make it.”
She’s a stronger person than I am, I can tell you that. I was not even close to making that statement 15 months after Leroy died. WE all heal differently. Our circumstances dictate a different timeline.
I could tell listening to her read the letter, her mind was spinning over the years she had shared with her husband. And maybe that was the reason for the difficult assignment.
After she dried her eyes and the letter reading had stopped, she smiled and took a deep breath.
Sure, she will be OK, but, I don’t think she’s moved-on quite as far as she thinks. Healing takes a long time.
July 19, 2013 @ 11:24 am
One minute I am feeling grateful for the time we had together and the love we shared and the next minute I am so very sad that we lost out on our future together. I try to forge ahead to honor him, but I am just empty inside.
July 19, 2013 @ 9:14 am
I did one on one sessions at the hospital with the grief counselor. He was awesome, I had to let go of a lot of stuff after Neil died and he was really instrumental in making me face all the challenges I had in front of me. I had a couple of people in MS that told me I had grieved long enough and I needed to move and stop talking about Neil. I remember being horrified! Then when I had his 1 year celebration, I threw a party. Everyone came but one couple, she said she had already attended his celebration after he died. I released 67 Yellow Balloons to him and blew up balloons for everyone else that wanted to remember their loved one as well. It was really awesome and so helpful for me. I remember even our friend Stan sent a note for me to attach to one of those balloons.
Everyone grieves to their own beat, everyone heals at their own pace. I am so grateful for this home, it helped me to find peace many times. It’s been the glue that held me together more than once!
It doesn’t matter if your ready to date or if you think you need to. That too will happen when YOU are ready. One thing for sure, it doesn’t ever diminish what feelings you had with your first love. Those are always tucked away in a nice safe spot. I just hope and pray that when the time comes and any of us do find love again, our partner allows us to remember those special feelings and share them. It will only help the new love you are trying to build!
My dear Laurie, you too write a letter to Leroy every time you post on this sight. You have shared your heart and all your pain and feelings with all of us. I hope we have helped you to move forward too.
Sasha always reminds us to “lift”, Stan always ended his posts with “thoughts”, Mo has shared so many of her heartfelt poems with us, Al has touched us with his story in Chicken Soup for the Cancer Soul, this is where we are honored to “pay it forward” in remembrance of all that have touched our hearts!
July 18, 2013 @ 8:24 pm
Age is just a number anyway. I have been trying to find a reason to post a name here–Cynthia Lufkin. I read her extraordinary obituary in the New York Times. She died at age 51 of breast and lung cancer. Apparently she devoted much money and time to finding a cure and there were many remembrances published to honor her life. I just thought her name should be placed here as well.
July 18, 2013 @ 6:09 pm
I’m really surprised they would actually tell you that. I tried the group counseling at hospice as well and for a lot of reasons it was not a good fit. I have a couple of close friends that have gotten me through. I have my daughters but I didn’t want to add to their grief by inflicting mine. After almost 4 years I am beginning to feel a little lighter. Everyone truly is different…some are dating after a few months and some of us can’t imagine it just yet, if ever.
July 18, 2013 @ 5:16 pm
I’m just wondering what the hospice group meant by the words “on a different scale”. Sounds as if they were telling you that because you were younger your loss was greater. I don’t think that is true. Losing a spouse of 45, 50, or even 60 years is just as hard.
July 18, 2013 @ 4:22 pm
I am sorry that your hospice group told you their sessions were for older women. No one told me that but as an older woman (I was 68 when my husband died) I found that there were some women in their 40s and 50s in the hospice group I attended but, more important, that the conversations we had were relevant to our shared challenges of dealing with our agony over the loss of our husbands–and for me that was the most difficult part of the grief process. I also discovered that the women who attended often knew of resources (financial and legal professionals, therapists, home repairs, children, etc.) appropriate for my issues or my grief stage and I found that very helpful. Perhaps some day this hospice will become more inclusive–as it should and, in my view, easily can be.