So, I went to the movie about two wonderful people, dying from cancer, in love with each other and feeling the unfairness of it all.
I thought I was strong enough to watch it without feeling it. Everyone in the theatre felt it, but I mean, really feeling it, from a personal, living-it kind of feeling.
I handled it fairly well, but I’ll admit there were times I wanted to scream out to the other theatre goers and say “This really is how it happens, only ten times more intense.”
It was the after effect that really got to me. The film stayed with me and I felt so sad because that movie made me remember a lot of what I’ve tried so hard to forget.
Before cancer, Leroy and I felt we had a grip on life. Producers need to feel that way because being in control is part of our job description. It allows us to get things done on deadline. We gain strength from that control and we use it in our daily lives too.
We were grateful for having that strength when his diagnosis came around, because I’m not sure how we would have handled so many curves in the road if we hadn’t had the strength in place, pre-cancer.
And when Leroy died, I needed those few drops of strength that remained more than I realized. There wasn’t much left, but what there was, I used every day. Navigating the new life and creating the new life, meant starting from scratch. Thank goodness the framework was there, without it, assembly of the new Laurie would have been even harder than it was.
Are we ever strong enough again? I’m still working on the answer to that.