“But how do you deal with the loneliness?”
It was a question that wasn’t easy to answer.
It came during a conversation with a woman who had lost her husband to cancer a couple years ago. She was a little younger than me and she talked about going through all the stages of grief. She called one of the stages her “straight jacket stage” because she said she was so grief stricken she could hardly breathe. All she wanted to do was cry and stay in bed and she didn’t want to see any one or do anything. That was her “straight jacket stage.” She’s moved through that part but now she’s trying to figure out a way to stop feeling so lonely.
Loneliness, she said is scary because she doesn’t see an end to it.
She goes out with friends. She travels a little too. She’s not locked in her house, afraid to go out, but she can’t shake the “missing him” part.
I told her I’m six years away from my loss and I still feel lonely. I still miss Leroy in so many ways. I told her it’s not an “every minute of the day” kind of missing, but there are times when I wish so hard, that he was a whisper away. There are still times when something happens in the day that only he would ‘get.’ He’d be the only one I could call or share it with and get a reaction. Now, I just cringe a little instead and move on.
I guess that’s how I handle the loneliness too.
That little pocket of “Leroy emotions” that I keep in a draw-string purse next to my heart, sometimes leaks a little too much loneliness and I have to deal with it like a grown up.
She told me where loneliness is concerned, she’s not ready to be a grown-up just yet.
So, she moved around the room asking the question, “How do you deal with loneliness?”
November 10, 2014 @ 5:02 pm
It’s not so much loneliness for me … I’ve learned to embrace the silence and find some peace there (just as our adult son decides he needs to move back in for awhile). But I know the “missing Vern” will go on all the days of my life. He completed me, he heard me, he saw me, he loved me. Perhaps it’s just semantics.
At 4 years, the triggers still come. I feel them, they pass. He is with me as I travel, as I do new things, step outside my comfort zone. But I miss that he isn’t here to cheer me on or for me to talk to, get advice from or to physically be with me on these new adventures.
November 9, 2014 @ 8:25 am
Last Sunday was All Saints Sunday at church. My wife’s name was in the Sunday bulletin along with 12 others who had died this year. My daughter and I saw her name in the bulletin but we were unprepared when her name was read during the service and a single bell was rung for each one. Emotions spilled over.
Loneliness is my constant companion. It is not my pity party because it is very real to me. I have chosen to accept it and even embrace it because it reminds me of her and our life together.
November 10, 2014 @ 5:03 pm
That first year is especially hard, Al. Let the emotions flow.
November 8, 2014 @ 8:15 pm
That little purse can still open and flood the area with memories of things past with a heaping sprinkling of the grief monster.
Time allows the draw stings to stay closed much longer but when they open the pain is as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
I am so grateful for all the little steps that allow the time to past, the distance to flow and for time to ease the hurt.
November 8, 2014 @ 11:12 am
There is a terrific article on the online magazine Holstee (holstee.com) titled “The Necessity of Sadness” by Helen Williams. It is so well written. To sort of change the subject, after 11 years of cancer-freeness, we have sort of stepped back into the cancer world. As a result of the colorectal cancer chemo-radiation treatment, a very small tumor developed in my husband’s bladder. Thankfully, it was discovered early and he had out-patient surgery a little over a week ago. The prognosis is good, but it requires examination every three months and has a 50-70% rate of recurring. So at this Thanksgiving time of the year, I am thankful for this blog and all the years I have been reading it.
November 10, 2014 @ 5:49 pm
Know, Nan, that you always will be “lifted” here. Blessings.
November 10, 2014 @ 7:38 pm
Thanks so much!
November 8, 2014 @ 10:40 am
I can’t help but wonder if we humans, because of our culture, feel there is something wrong with being lonely sometimes, particularly after the death of someone we love. I’m not talking about a crushing, debilitating loneliness that leaves us unable to function. Rather, that missing someone is natural, is ok, because we carry the memory of the beloved in our entire being, and we don’t have to be or do anything but allow the feeling to rise and fall, as it always will, no matter how much time has passed. The greatest gift is to be with friends and family members who understand that, and offer a warm hand or the pleasure of sitting in quiet.
So many times the people left behind feel the pressure of “going through the stages”, or of wondering why they aren’t, and that something must be wrong with them because they don’t or haven’t experienced x, y, or z. Grief isn’t and cannot be reduced to a “stage” of being. It wells up, it overflows, it retreats, it flashes in the most unexpected moments. It is about how we have loved.
November 8, 2014 @ 6:43 pm
Beautiful Mo.. Love you!
November 8, 2014 @ 9:15 am
I surely understand that loneliness. As you know all know it is almost insurmountable at times. Jim will be gone 5 years Monday so I am cooking his favorite dinner tonight and my family and I are watching our home videos. I don’t think the loneliness will ever go away…it just gets a little less crippling.
November 8, 2014 @ 6:45 pm
Big hugs Kathie! Thinking of you this weekend! I hope your Monday has you surrounded with love, family, friends and beautiful memories!
November 10, 2014 @ 5:04 pm
Thinking of you today, Kathie.
November 11, 2014 @ 5:41 pm
Thinking of all of you and these dates that mean so much.
What would we do without each other.
L
November 8, 2014 @ 8:27 am
Almost 7 years later… Loneliness is still a huge part of my life! I’ve made so many changes since Neil died. I still choke up for no reason other than a passing thought of him and then I take another step forward and it passes. Can’t explain it! Wish I could but it just come out of my heart… Especially this time of year..almost 7 years and at times it still feels like yesterday. It’s all about being lifted.. Staying busy and hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel.