So much to learn…

So, here I am; beginning again.

Every time another year after honoring Leroy’s passing, I think about how I’ve changed.  How has this past year been different from the year before and the 8 before that?

The first two years were foggy.  I really had to concentrate to get things done.  The legal documents that needed to be delivered to alert companies and doctors and banks and other institutions that Leroy had died kept me busy for sure, and just “stuff” that needed to get done.  And, he wasn’t here.  How did THAT happen?

Daily life and routines that had been set aside because cancer was in the room, took a long time to fall into place.  I’m sure there were some things that never returned because they needed Leroy to make them worthwhile.

Time has passed and I’ve become used to being alone.  There’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely.  Some days I’m both, but not so much any more.  I guess that’s a sign of healing.  I know it’s a sign that my grief has shifted and moved to a different place.

I often wonder what our life together would have been like 9 years down the road.  I can only imagine.

My life has grown in many directions and I’m grateful for having the strength to get through some tough turns in these past 9 years.  There have been many days filled with smiles and laughs and sighs; lots of good times.

I like to think of myself back in the starting blocks again, reaching for new experiences, one year at a time.


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Al September 4, 2017 at 8:25 am

I believe that grief is a process that is not remotely the same for each of us. Can’t reduce it to a flow chart either regardless of the size of the chart with all of the twists and turns. I also think that grieving should be individualized and not categorized. I have become accustomed to being alone and many times I am just lonely….lonely for her, no one else. The memories are mostly blessings but sometimes they cause a meltdown most unexpectedly. So glad I have them though regardless.

I think we adjust and compensate as we live our lives now. This is not bad just different. As Laurie states as she wonders what life would have been like if only….. “I can only imagine”.

Blessings to all.


Nan Holmes September 1, 2017 at 7:47 pm

So glad you have stretched yourself during these years and continued this blog.


Brady Merrill August 24, 2017 at 9:55 pm

Little steps, little steps, the grief monsters visits and seems to never leave, still we continue to take the little steps.
Time seems to pass slowly, oh so slowly as we take those little steps. Then we begin to notice, we’ve come some distance. The grief monster doesn’t come so often, nor stay so long. Our step is a little lighter, at times a smile plays across our faces.
Just keep taking those little steps Laurie, they sure are added up.


Judie August 23, 2017 at 6:35 am

I’m sure that he is so very proud of what you’ve accomplished both personally and professionally. Hugs!


Kathie Scott August 22, 2017 at 6:53 pm

It is a surprise to look back and realize how we have grown and adapted. The pain is still there but it is more manageable.


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